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Movie Review: Haywire

Mike Finkelstein has a friend who argued that girls always need a guy to take care of them. He said that guys are always stronger. Mike took this friend to see a little movie with Gina Carano. That friend is now terrified of getting beat up by a girl (which probably could have happened anyway, even before they saw the movie…). Here is his review of “Haywire”.

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Mike Finkelstein has a friend who argued that girls always need a guy to take care of them.  He said that guys are always stronger.  Mike took this friend to see a little movie with Gina Carano.  That friend is now terrified of getting beat up by a girl (which probably could have happened anyway, even before they saw the movie…).  Here is his review of “Haywire”.

PLOT: When a seemingly by-the-books mission goes wrong, Black Ops soldier Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) is forced to go on the run from both the U.S. Government and the men who tried to kill her.  Soon, she has to use all her skills and abilities to track down those who double crossed her—including her ex-boyfriend and boss (Ewan McGregor) and former lover (Channing Tatum)—and clear her name for good.

Check out the trailer:

MIKE’S REVIEW:  The first time I saw the trailer for HAYWIRE was New Year’s Eve.  I heard a few things here and there about the cast, but until that moment, nothing had come across my radar.  The fighting seemed amazing, the cast looked great, and the girl was hot.  What more can you ask for?  Sadly, just because a trailer is well cut doesn’t mean that the movie will be able to live up to it.

Here’s how the story goes: After getting back from a search and rescue mission in Barcelona, black ops freelancer Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) is convinced by her ex-boyfriend and employer (Ewan McGregor) to go on one more mission before quitting his agency.  It should have been an in-and-out job, but when her partner (Michael Fassbender) tries to kill her, she is forced to figure out why she would be wanted dead, and who she was sold out to.

I’m not saying that HAYWIRE was bad…it wasn’t anywhere near it.  The action was absolutely beautiful to look at.  We live in a time where fight scenes are chopped up so much, you don’t know who’s actually winning until the final wide shot.  Here, Soderbergh shows us every hit and kick and impact point with (wait for it…) static shots (!), and actually takes pride in his seemingly picture perfect fight choreography.  It also helps that he has actors like Michael Fassbender, Channing Tatum and MMA star Gina Carano, who know how to fight, helping him out instead of random actors he’d have to cut around.

Speaking of Gina Carano, the girl is absolutely stunning, and puts her MMA training to good use.  Granted, she may not be the BEST actress, but I dare you to find an action star who started out as a good actor. (If you say Arnold Schwarzenegger, you need to alter your tastes in film.)  Also, I’m not sure what happened to her voice that caused Soderbergh to dub most of her lines (something obvious in some scenes and not so obvious in others), but I’ll even let that slip. Carano was great for her role.  She delivered her lines, delivered the action, and I hope to see her grow as an actress in the future.

With that goodness, there are many issues with HAYWIRE.  Usually, it’s a good thing when the audience is figuring out things with the characters, but here, we never knew what was going on!  We literally have to wait until the last ten minutes for any explanation, and by that point, I already checked out.  You have to give your audience some nibbles, guys.  It also didn’t help that most of the chase scenes were drawn out way too long.  Run, run, run, still running, around this corner and that corner…at some point, catch him!

And then, there are the other characters.  Despite a cast boasting the likes of Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, and Michael Fassbender, the character with the most screen time besides Mallory seemed to be…a random kid in a car??  Yup! Our favorite actors barely have sustainable roles, and seem to all take a back seat to a random kid that Mallory Kane is telling her story to.  Worst. Exposition. Excuse. Ever.   But hey, at least the kid from RED STATE and SKY HIGH (Michael Angarano) got a pretty good part.

Overall, I was disappointed by HAYWIRE not because it is bad, but because it could have been so much better.  This is a movie sporting a big time director and a number of A-list stars, with some of the best fight choreography put to film this year, yet it somehow managed to mold itself into every other B-level action flick that’s gone straight to DVD.  My only hope is that Gina Carano gets another chance to showcase her stuff, and doesn’t end up going the way of a John Cena or Stone Cold Steve Austin.

GRADE: B

Mike’s LIKES:

1) GINA CARANO: The girl is absolutely gorgeous, and she could fight.  I’m in love.

2) FIGHT SCENES: Soderbergh delivers with static and real fights that are a breath of fresh air in an age where most fight scenes cause you to miss everything.

Mike’s DISLIKES:

1) CONFUSION/DEVELOPMENT: After a while, hearing Mallory Kane asking what happened to her and not finding out can get pretty annoying…

2) CHARACTERS?  MORE LIKE CAMEOS: We had some pretty big A-listers here, including Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Channing Tatum, Bill Paxton, and Ewan McGregor.  To have all those roles reduced to nothing more than extended cameos is very disappointing.  You replace them with some B-list actors, and this would have been a movie for you to check out on Demand on a boring Wednesday night.

3) EXTENDED/DRAWN OUT CHASES: A few chases just lasted way too long.  Too much running with no fighting is just unnecessary.  Speed it up and get to the point!

4) EXPLAINING EVERYTHING TO THE KID: Worst. Exposition. Excuse. Ever.

EXTRA FACTS:

1) Dennis Quaid was originally cast as Mallory Kane’s father, but had to drop out due to scheduling conflicts.

 

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Dr. Phil Shaved Off His Mustache And Suddenly I Don’t Phil So Good

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If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…or shave it in this case.

Talk show host Dr. Phil is known for three things: Giving advice. A strong southern drawl. And an mustache so thick, it could have a milkshake named after it. I mean just take a look at that furried upper lip in all of it’s glory!

For as long as Dr. Phil has been on television he has that mustache, so you could imagine the worldwide hysteria that ensued when he posted a video with his stache slathered in shaving cream while holding a razor dangerously close to it. I mean…what could have inspired this sudden fit of rash behavior?!

He wouldn’t really go through with it though right? I mean no one likes change…right? Wrong! Here’s what the tv host looks like without his stache…and let’s just say, it is most certainly not what the doctor ordered!

After sharing his most traumatizing content since the “Cash Me Outside” girl, Dr. Phil posted this video insuring that the entire stunt was actually just an April Fool’s joke.

 

I’m definitely going to need some mood elevators to recover from this one! I love a makeover as much as the next guy, but some things are better left alone!

Like what you read? Follow @ChrisSiretz on Twitter and Instagram

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REALI-TEASE: Porsha Williams Confirms ‘RHOA’ Spin-off

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It’s no longer just word on the curb, Porsha Williams has confirmed her Real Housewives Of Atlanta spin-off!

Porsha joined the RHOA cast back in season 5 and has been the center of a lot of excitement ever since. Even with all of the scepter snatches and best-friend betrayals she’s endured in the past, some would say this has been Porsha’s most exciting season yet. This year fans saw Porsha date the man who would put a ring on her finger and a bun in her oven. Since wrapping season 11 of RHOA, Porsha and fiancé, Dennis McKinley, have had their daughter, Pilar Jhena, and now it looks like fans will get to see all the events leading up to that birth. After weeks of speculation, Porsha took to social media to confirm her own spin-off entitled The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Porsha’s Having A BabyNo word on how many episodes the spin-off will consist of but we can be sure it will be some fun tv! 

 

Like what you read? Follow @ChrisSiretz on Twitter and Instagram

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Is Miley Cyrus Bringing ‘Hannah Montana’ Back?!

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Miley Cyrus sure has been posting a lot about Hannah Montana lately….

It’s been 8 years since Miley Cyrus has given us the best of both worlds by slapping on that blond wig and becoming the tween-dream, Hannah Montana, so is she ready for a comeback? Last night Miley posted a marathon of tweets that have fans speculating a triumphant return of the Disney diva. Let’s examine, it started with this tweet wishing Lady Gaga a happy birthday:

Then this proclamation that Miley has decided to be Hannah forever!

An obvious throwback to Hannah’s biggest hit was necessary.

Well, idk if Disney would like to hear Hannah’s new definition of “Best Of Both Worlds”…

But she’s punk now so it’s par for the course I guess?

Maybe this is all an elaborate plan to release an album with Migos?

Well there’s no way of anticipating what to expect next, this is Miley after all. In the meantime, fans will just have to remain hopeful that there’s more Hannah Montana in the future!

Like what you read? Follow @ChrisSiretz on Twitter and Instagram

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