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Movie Review: Haywire

Mike Finkelstein has a friend who argued that girls always need a guy to take care of them. He said that guys are always stronger. Mike took this friend to see a little movie with Gina Carano. That friend is now terrified of getting beat up by a girl (which probably could have happened anyway, even before they saw the movie…). Here is his review of “Haywire”.

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Mike Finkelstein has a friend who argued that girls always need a guy to take care of them.  He said that guys are always stronger.  Mike took this friend to see a little movie with Gina Carano.  That friend is now terrified of getting beat up by a girl (which probably could have happened anyway, even before they saw the movie…).  Here is his review of “Haywire”.

PLOT: When a seemingly by-the-books mission goes wrong, Black Ops soldier Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) is forced to go on the run from both the U.S. Government and the men who tried to kill her.  Soon, she has to use all her skills and abilities to track down those who double crossed her—including her ex-boyfriend and boss (Ewan McGregor) and former lover (Channing Tatum)—and clear her name for good.

Check out the trailer:

MIKE’S REVIEW:  The first time I saw the trailer for HAYWIRE was New Year’s Eve.  I heard a few things here and there about the cast, but until that moment, nothing had come across my radar.  The fighting seemed amazing, the cast looked great, and the girl was hot.  What more can you ask for?  Sadly, just because a trailer is well cut doesn’t mean that the movie will be able to live up to it.

Here’s how the story goes: After getting back from a search and rescue mission in Barcelona, black ops freelancer Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) is convinced by her ex-boyfriend and employer (Ewan McGregor) to go on one more mission before quitting his agency.  It should have been an in-and-out job, but when her partner (Michael Fassbender) tries to kill her, she is forced to figure out why she would be wanted dead, and who she was sold out to.

I’m not saying that HAYWIRE was bad…it wasn’t anywhere near it.  The action was absolutely beautiful to look at.  We live in a time where fight scenes are chopped up so much, you don’t know who’s actually winning until the final wide shot.  Here, Soderbergh shows us every hit and kick and impact point with (wait for it…) static shots (!), and actually takes pride in his seemingly picture perfect fight choreography.  It also helps that he has actors like Michael Fassbender, Channing Tatum and MMA star Gina Carano, who know how to fight, helping him out instead of random actors he’d have to cut around.

Speaking of Gina Carano, the girl is absolutely stunning, and puts her MMA training to good use.  Granted, she may not be the BEST actress, but I dare you to find an action star who started out as a good actor. (If you say Arnold Schwarzenegger, you need to alter your tastes in film.)  Also, I’m not sure what happened to her voice that caused Soderbergh to dub most of her lines (something obvious in some scenes and not so obvious in others), but I’ll even let that slip. Carano was great for her role.  She delivered her lines, delivered the action, and I hope to see her grow as an actress in the future.

With that goodness, there are many issues with HAYWIRE.  Usually, it’s a good thing when the audience is figuring out things with the characters, but here, we never knew what was going on!  We literally have to wait until the last ten minutes for any explanation, and by that point, I already checked out.  You have to give your audience some nibbles, guys.  It also didn’t help that most of the chase scenes were drawn out way too long.  Run, run, run, still running, around this corner and that corner…at some point, catch him!

And then, there are the other characters.  Despite a cast boasting the likes of Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, and Michael Fassbender, the character with the most screen time besides Mallory seemed to be…a random kid in a car??  Yup! Our favorite actors barely have sustainable roles, and seem to all take a back seat to a random kid that Mallory Kane is telling her story to.  Worst. Exposition. Excuse. Ever.   But hey, at least the kid from RED STATE and SKY HIGH (Michael Angarano) got a pretty good part.

Overall, I was disappointed by HAYWIRE not because it is bad, but because it could have been so much better.  This is a movie sporting a big time director and a number of A-list stars, with some of the best fight choreography put to film this year, yet it somehow managed to mold itself into every other B-level action flick that’s gone straight to DVD.  My only hope is that Gina Carano gets another chance to showcase her stuff, and doesn’t end up going the way of a John Cena or Stone Cold Steve Austin.

GRADE: B

Mike’s LIKES:

1) GINA CARANO: The girl is absolutely gorgeous, and she could fight.  I’m in love.

2) FIGHT SCENES: Soderbergh delivers with static and real fights that are a breath of fresh air in an age where most fight scenes cause you to miss everything.

Mike’s DISLIKES:

1) CONFUSION/DEVELOPMENT: After a while, hearing Mallory Kane asking what happened to her and not finding out can get pretty annoying…

2) CHARACTERS?  MORE LIKE CAMEOS: We had some pretty big A-listers here, including Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Channing Tatum, Bill Paxton, and Ewan McGregor.  To have all those roles reduced to nothing more than extended cameos is very disappointing.  You replace them with some B-list actors, and this would have been a movie for you to check out on Demand on a boring Wednesday night.

3) EXTENDED/DRAWN OUT CHASES: A few chases just lasted way too long.  Too much running with no fighting is just unnecessary.  Speed it up and get to the point!

4) EXPLAINING EVERYTHING TO THE KID: Worst. Exposition. Excuse. Ever.

EXTRA FACTS:

1) Dennis Quaid was originally cast as Mallory Kane’s father, but had to drop out due to scheduling conflicts.

 

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The Pentagon Has Released Official UFO Videos Because 2020 Is The Absolute Worst

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Aren’t swarms of locusts supposed to be the next installment of this plague?!

Can we finally declare 2020 as the worst year ever? In January there were fears of a third World War. In February the coronavirus began its rapid spread. In March the world essentially shut down due to social distancing and quarantining. And now in April…with only two days left in the month…we have official government footage of unidentified flying objects. I’m sorry but Milton Bradley’s game of “Life” never prepared me for any of this!

The Pentagon has confirmed the authenticity of three videos that have been circulating the web but didn’t really answer what is visible in them. In the videos, now declassified by the Department of Defense, navy pilots capture “unidentified aerial phenomena” aka unidentified flying objects aka UFOs! Pentagon officials were sure to state that the videos do not show “any sensitive capabilities or systems,” meaning we probably won’t be seeing any little green men any time soon.

The first video dates back to November 2004 and the other two from January 2015. Of the Pentagon’s confirmation of authenticity, Pentagon spokesperson Sue Gough said the videos were released “in order to clear up any misconceptions by the public on whether or not the footage that has been circulating was real, or whether or not there is more to the videos.”

So great. We now know that these strange videos are real but what exactly are we looking at? Well, the Department of Defense says it has no concrete answer as to what might be floating around the skies and has classified the phenomena as “unidentified.” And…just like that I suddenly feel less defended.

Social media is having a field day with this revelation of course. The #AliensAreReal has been trending high on Twitter since the news broke. One user referenced Independence Day and said the aliens are “getting ready for July 4th.” Of the bad timing, another wrote “Et tu aliens?” And finally one user couldn’t help avoid sarcasm and wrote”Where’s the space force when you need it?”

Well 2020, you have worked your awful black magic once again. What’s next, cat videos get banned from the internet?! You’ve taken everything else from us!

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Priest Accidentally Forgets To Turn Off Filters Before Live Streaming Mass

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The internet is having a field day with the innocent mistake of biblical proportions.

With new social distancing guidelines, many churches have closed to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus. And while that doesn’t justify all the wine you’ve been chugging during your self quarantine, it does have many people practicing their faith from their homes. One Italian priest was just trying to recite a little prayer for his followers when he accidentally left a filter feature on during the broadcast! In the clip the priest is digitally adorned with a space helmet, workout gear, a fedora and sunglasses and more.

Social media went nuts for the video, which has now gone viral. One comment reads “He just doubled his holy power.” Another reads “Father, Son and Holy Influencer.” One commenter couldn’t resist a good pun and said the video is having a “Mass effect.”

Enjoy your daily blessing and take a look at the funny video below!

 

Priest in Italy live streams mass, activates filters by mistake from r/funny

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Danny DeVito Passionately Urges New Yorkers To Stay Home…And Twitter Agrees!

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For the love of Danny DeVito, stay home!

The world is in a dark place right now and I am not sure how much more bad news we can handle. That’s why when I saw Danny DeVito’s name trending on Twitter I froze. Our great nation could very well crumble if anything bad was to happen to such an icon right now. With extreme trepidation I clicked on the social media link and was relieved to see that good ol’ Danny boy is just strumming up hype because he is passionately urging New Yorkers to stay home.

Amid the coronavirus outbreak, Governor Andrew Cuomo has been driving New Yorkers to stay home and has taken every precaution short of shutting the state down completely to help prevent the virus from spreading. Because New Yorkers can be hard headed, it doesn’t hurt to have some famous friends reiterate your message. Big names like Lala Anthony, Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller have all made appearances on Cuomo’s social media pleading with New Yorker’s to heed the governors warning. Only one celebrity was able to make it to Twitter’s trending page however and that was none other than Danny DeVito. DeVito’s message is simple…stay home! In the two minute video, DeVito reminds fans that it’s not just up to the elderly to isolate themselves. “Young people can get it and they can transmit it to old people and the next thing you know – I’m out of there” says the actor. We must save him!

Twitter went into a frenzy with many users agreeing that we need to stay home for Danny. One user wrote “When Danny speaks, I listen.” Another passionately wrote “If you idiots kill Danny DeVito I SWEAR TO GOD.” One promoted DeVito from the icon status I previously awarded him and said “WE GOTTA PROTECT WORLD TREASURE DANNY DeVITO.” 

Take a look at the video below and for the love of the newly minted national treasure, stay home!

 

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