Go to the gym? Preposterous! Joining a club is gross, sticky, overpriced and sans privacy with the rows of eyeballs staring at you. And if people can afford it, the act of transporting yourself down the block or worse, to another borough, is a big joy killer. I like my exercises like I want my one and only male crush obsession, Leo DiCaprio: in the bedroom. Sorry, I normally speak like a proper young lady, but that’s embarrassingly true. *blush*
Like many of you, I neglected my exercises at the end of 2012. It isn’t like I got fat by any means, but I need to be in shape in order to wear low rise jeans and bikinis. I absolutely do not want to look like any object requiring people to sharpen me for an SAT. Liposuction, while kind of a good idea in theory, may not be so good when you read how fat usually comes back in another area. I don’t want to remove a small two pounds troubling me only for my thighs to get like drumsticks, and I would have to pay someone to do it – no thanks, sincerely signed the cheapest person in the world who shivers when my blood is drawn. I gave old fashioned exercise another shot.
As with every home exercise I do, remember, you must do each 88 times every single day if you want to see quick progress. I like 88 because it is a catchy number and not too much but enough that it works fast. The problem with most girly exercises like yoga is they do a small amount, like 10 to 12 reps twice a week, and clients expect results. Uh, no, you are being ripped off, plus the cheesy music sucks. Go to these classes at your own risk, more as as a man. To top it off, the instructors can be pretty rude. I once got kicked out of a beginner’s aerobics class for not knowing the moves on my first day. No, really, I guess newbies must have the steps memorized in their sleep.
I have already begun seeing short term results! Add these moves to your standard arm weight lifting, another thing you can do at home with hand weights. No, I am not a medical professional. But I get all my moves from jocks and pro athletes, the equivalent of staying at a Holiday Inn Express.
I am new to the abs game. I firmly believe, for the first time ever, I can get Britney/Janet abs this year. As it turns out, I shouldn’t have used old fashioned methods in the first place! No crunches, weights or anything will change your abs. You can shave them off in less time, with far fewer exercising attempts:
#1 The Box
As a stickler for any tips related to tennis guys, I discovered one amazing one while asking around. I don’t really know what this one is called, per se! I joke it makes you feel like you are kidnapped in a box because you scrunch up. Sit on the floor with your back at a 45 degree angle. While kicking one leg at a time, the knee bent as you kick towards your chin, twist completely, squeezing your stomach muscles. Do this on each side. It hurts the first time like hell!
#2 Planking – Front and Sides
This is not the big, viral explosion where you plank next to the Grand Canyon. You need to be in a push-up position, but resting on your elbows and toes. Do not let your stomach touch the ground. Hold this pose until you drop, hoping for 1 minute or more. I wouldn’t recommend this move for 88 times though, that is, unless you want to give yourself a home Cesarean birth operation. A few minutes should suffice. When you are done doing this in a front push-up pose, do it on each side until you collapse. You need to get out of breath. Struggle.
#3 Human Door Hinge
Laying on the floor with your back flat, lift both legs, held together, until you are shaped like an “L.” OK, ideally. This is kind of hard at first, and it certainly is for me at this point in my abs conquest. I kind of scrunch my knees right now. Do your best, 88 times a day on this move! It isn’t like anyone can see your sloppy form; you aren’t a world class gymnast or yoga instructor or…well, that ripped lady on Bravo. You are YOU. The end achievement matters more than your form.
A self confession, or bragging if I may. I’m kind of a pro on my legs. When I am in my tip top shape, I look like the Toy Story legs with the fishing pole. I usually work out my legs and relax on the workouts once I’ve achieved my goal. My new goal this year is to NOT give up and have 100 percent comic book girl, perfection, sex symbol legs I have never had. It too should be your goal. I mean, unless you are a man, in which case you can be Superman and hopefully not a comic book babe adorned in fishnets:
#1 Pliés and Dance Stretching
I know how un-masculine dance class is for guys. I don’t take dance either. I never did. I do know, however, that some jocks secretly use this move for a better tennis game. Shhhh! This is your basic ballet thing you see in the movies. Turn each foot facing against itself, hold onto something strong like a kitchen countertop, and bend up and down. When you are done, stretch out one leg at a time on the kitchen counter, completely stretched, and bend up and down. Make sure to clean the counter when you are done doing ballet. You don’t want leg grease on your next batch of oven baked goods. If you want to be a superstar home ballerina, stretch your legs from as many angles as possible. Again, form won’t matter here as much as the results, unless you want to enter a professional dance company. Do 88 pliés and whatever amount of stretching suits you.
#2 Nicole Russin’s Leg Busting, Painful-at-First Squats
I invented this one all by myself. A guy told me long ago how women’s heels, contrary to what some people say, build your calves in a beautiful way. This emulates the effects of high heels. If anyone steals this idea, I will find you and crawl out of your closet around midnight, playing Justin Bieber music until you admit I created it! What you do is like a traditional squat you might have seen. Piece of cake, right? No! Stand on your toes aka. the ball of your foot with your back straight the entire time, using all of your body weight as you slide down each time. You cannot hold onto anything for balance. I know, I know, people are going to argue with me, “But what if I damage my balls of my feet!?” This move has not damaged my feet once. If anything, I only got foot cramps when I went without exercising for three months total and wore flat Ugg boots everywhere, all day, every single day. You MUST have strength in the balls of your feet for better balance and posture. The very next day after I did these again in December, falling back into my routine, it was like rabid bats ate my leg flesh. I could. Not. Move. For several days. Give yourself two to three days and soon, you will be able to do this move daily.
My main priority here is getting solid arms with non pencil-y shape. My arms are normally like sticks. Men may need to increase the weights’ actual pound weight to bulk up and add their own magic spell routine. In all humiliating honesty, I am obsessed with the color green, therefore I bought them swiftly without seeing the poundage. I think I am using 8 pound hand weights. Men will definitely want to up the number after a few weeks.
#1 Standard Up and Down
Lift the hand weights up and down. You’ve seen this. Unleash your inner Arnold.
#2 Twist All Over
This one happens to be a tennis move again. Non-pros like us can find it useful though. From each bone joint, starting at the underarm all the way down to the wrists, focus on lifting the weight in every direction your joint can safely move. Forward, back, left, right! Don’t do a set number here but what makes you feel good.
That’s it! All together, I counted seven kinds of exercises. Remember, except for the planks and freestyle joint workout, you do each move 88 times. The whole workout takes you about 15 to 30 minutes depending on how lazy you feel. You don’t need to go anywhere whatsoever, as I mapped out my workout plan right before 2013 hit knowing how unpredictable my schedule and surroundings are. You can do this right in a miniature apartment, on the beach, within a hotel room, your office with the door closed or anywhere. In terms of rock, paper, scissors, practical workouts trump the gym, as they make you feel better about your body image – in the time being before you can wear skimpy, show off clothes to the gym, haha, for the sake of it – and won’t cost you a penny. Doing cardio like jogging will never make you look good. You will be a thinner version of what you have now. The goal here is creating a new shape with more muscle.