WARNING: This article may include spoilers!

Oh, X-Files.

I wanted to be romanced. Courted. Wooed until I willingly, breathlessly surrendered to your wiles. But, no. You handed me a single gas station rose and went right for second base. You brute.

That rose came in the form of an alien craft, crashed and smoking in the high desert of New Mexico, within the first two minutes of the show. Yep. You played the Roswell card. I believe that’s called cutting to the chase.

Well, so be it. I’d been geeking out in anticipation all day, sitting through an excruciating extra 30 minutes of football post-game coverage before the show started, well past its scheduled 10:00 p.m. premiere slot. Once the first notes of that iconic theme music chimed in, I was practically giddy. I’d been a mere girl of 25 when the original series first aired back in 1993, and 20-plus years is a long time to wait for THE TRUTH. It was reportedly still out there, and I was ready for it.

Enter Joel McHale as “Tad O’Malley,” the charismatic host of a self-titled internet show, “The Truth Squad with Tad O’ Malley.” And wouldn’t you know it, he’s got a couple of bombs to drop on Mulder and Scully, before he shares the news with the world.

Quickly we’re whisked away by bullet-proof limo, to a remote location where we meet a young woman who’s the victim of a supposed alien abduction. And shocker: she believes that her unborn babies have been harvested by said aliens. Later, at yet another undisclosed location, we’re introduced to the ARV, or “Alien Replica Vehicle.” Sounds like an ATV, but looks like a stealth bomber. And it’s man-made. With technology that’s been around for 70 years. Whew. That’s a lot to take in.

Thankfully, X-Files writer/creator Chris Carter is the man responsible for getting the band back together. Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny reprise their roles as former special agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, and from promos we know that much of the original cast will join them as well. While nostalgia was enough to make me tune in for this six-episode event, the stories and characters will have to ring true for me to stick around. So far, so good.  Check out this sneak peek:

As a longtime fan of sci-fi television, I freely admit that a certain suspension of disbelief, and an appreciation for the camp aspects of creature-dom is necessary to enjoy a series like this. Still, I want the actors to commit. Make us BELIEVE you believe. When comparing the new version with the old series, I remember Fox Mulder as being smart and tenacious, but far more earnest in his quest, desperately seeking the answers to his questions. Now, I normally love David Duchovny, but maybe we’ve both become jaded in the past two decades. Last night the actor seemed fairly lukewarm in his delivery. In other words, phoning it in.

Understandable, though, given the script he had to work with. If I had to name one weak point of the show, it was the dialogue.  At times it was full of either trite-sounding throwaways, or stilted and overwrought pronouncements. At the 45-minute mark, there was a whole run of multi-verb lines that just became ridiculous. Apparently a “venal conspiracy of men” have been plotting to “distract, enrage, and enslave” Americans, not to mention “fatten, dull, sicken, and control” the populace, and won’t rest until they “cull, kill, and subjugate” us all.


But perhaps Scully said it best:

“It’s fear-mongering claptrap isolationist techno-paranoia so bogus and dangerous and stupid that it borders on treason.”

Yeah, bitches! And check out my 4-inch stilettos!

As Gillian Anderson marches bravely ahead in her upgraded footwear, so shall I. By the time the “Smoking Man” finally made his appearance (puffing a cigarette through a stoma in his throat, no less), I had come to a decision. I was all in. For better or worse.

A quick wiki-check tells me that the third episode is titled, “Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster.” Oh. It’s like that, is it? Well, I remember when the Six-Million-Dollar Man met Bigfoot. And it was awesome. (two squirts of breath spray) Bring it on.

So, yes, X-Files. I will be showing up for our second date. I may even shave my legs.

Episode 2 airs tonight at 8:00 p.m. on Fox.