Brad And Angelina Are Engaged. It’s Okay Not To Care – But Check Out The Jeweler’s HILARIOUS Statement.

Okay, now you know. Next, let's break down the RIDICULOUS statement issued by the jeweler describing the YEAR LONG collaboration with Brad on creating the perfect ring. Have wine handy, you'll need it.

Today, it got out that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie MIGHT be engaged. (it was later confirmed.) Of course, it went gangbusters on the enterainment websites, because this is to them what a foreign adversary launching a missile might be to CNN. But my response? “Um, okay.” Mind you, POP is also an entertainment website, so we recognize that we have to acknowledge certain things, and this is it. The possible engagement of Brad and Angelina is hereby acknowledged. But when you read the statement issued by the ring’s designer, you’ll have to fight off the urge to roll your eyes directly into the back of your head.

To me, learning that Brad and Angelina are engaged is just like learning someone in your office that you don’t know or ever have the circumstances to speak to is engaged. It’s okay to know, so you are up on what’s going on in the office, but you probably don’t care.

Before the confirmation, this is what was out there: Jolie was spotted wearing a massive diamond on her ring finger while at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. (A nice and obvious place to be spotted without having a red carpet reported hounding you. That’s it, let the paparazzi catch it first!) Secondly, the designer of the ring, recognizing some PR potential (after all, he’s not a fool), has confirmed that it is, indeed, an engagement ring.

According to E! Online, the jeweler is Robert Procop. His rep (yes, the jeweler has a rep) says via a written statment (that’s right, they apparently didn’t have time to actually SAY this stuff):

“Brad had a specific vision for this ring, which he realized over a yearlong collaboration with Robert.”

A yearlong collaboration? What do you say over a year of collaborating? “I want it big… and shiny…. no, SHINIER!”

The rep continues:

“He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect, so Robert was able to locate a diamond of the finest quality and cut it to an exact custom size and shape to suit Angelina’s hand.

Um, what? Does Jolie have some crazy man-hands, or talons that will make it necessary to customize a ring that won’t accentuate the freaky nature of those hands? Imagine those poor diamond searchers, hunting high and low for the perfect diamond to compliment those special Angelina Jolie hands! Then, finally someone found the PERFECT diamond. (Both the stone and the finder are now referred to as ‘the chosen one.’) And it was time to begin the next stage of the ring’s preparation.

OH YES.. the statement goes on:

“…Brad was always heavily involved, overseeing every aspect of the creative design evolution. “

I can only assume this means that  Brad quietly crept to her bedside, a pail of plaster-of-paris by his side, to delicately create a mold of her near-perfect left hand. Then, in conversations with the jeweler under the cover of night, he would implore: “That’s still not big and shiny enough! Dammit, those jewels aren’t cradling the finger in the most exquisite way quite yet! Let’s keep working on this for a few more months until you get it right!”

Did I mention there is MORE to the statement?”:

“…The side diamonds are specialty cut to encircle her finger. Each diamond is of the highest gem quality.”

Again, certainly Jolie must have unique fingers, to which encircling would require a special cut, so as not to overemphasize their girth, instead showcasing their individual, cylindrical beauty, casting light on the knuckle in a manner remiscient of the setting sun.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at all the fuss. We live in the world of overselling things. I’ve seen dessert menus that actually rival this level of poetic elaboration when describing a chocolate layer cake. But sometimes I just can’t believe that people care THIS much about them MAYBE being engaged. That’s right. Maybe. We don’t know if they’re ACTUALLY engaged yet. They themselves haven’t confirmed it.

Sometimes I wonder if Brad and Angelina don’t feel exactly the same way. I mean, they probably can rationalize to themselves that they don’t understand why people (or the media, better yet) care so much, but deep down somewhere they really want us to care, because it’s a reflection of their popularity. When we stop caring, there’s gonna be trouble. That’s when they’ll start running around with even BIGGER rings on.

Mind you, the third party who has to deal with all this ‘much ado about something that’s close to nothing’ is Jennifer Aniston, who is SO over the Brad and Angelina conversation by now that she’s sick of the names themselves. But, of course, the next time she’s starring in a movie, there will be the inevitable interview by a writer who feels compelled to ask that same question she’s been asked countless times before, in the interest of having a magazine cover subtitle. Is she over Brad? I’m guessing yes, she is… and even more than that, she is over being asked about Brad.

So now, via Brad Pitt’s camp: “Yes, it’s confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”

And with that, have a great weekend!

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