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FUNNY: The Jokes From The Upcoming Bruce Willis Roast Will Make You Die(hard) Laughing

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Pig roast. A roasted chicken. Roasting marshmallows. There isn’t a roast related activity that I am not a fan of. My absolute favorite roast, however, has to be a comedy roast of one of hollywood’s elite. On July 29th, it will be Bruce Willis’ turn on the spit.

In the past we have seen Comedy Central present some iconic roast moments. Who could forget when Martha Stewart proved she had more street cred than Justin Bieber could ever hope for? Or when Jewel put that angelic voice to comedic use and sang the most epic of burns to Rob Lowe? Well it seems like the latest roast will provide some more legendary moments.

Stewart returns to take a jab at the action star’s marriage, commenting on the 23 year age difference between he and his wife:

“Bruce and I live in the same town of Bedford. He has a beautiful house and the interior design is amazing. He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, except his new wife.”

Roast master and host, Jeff Ross, delivers one of my favorite one liners of the event with:

“I can’t wait to see your next project, ‘Die Hard 6: Natural Causes.'”

The most scalding burns of the night, however, come from ex wife Demi Moore. She turned all those years of relationship ups and downs into sheer comedic brilliance:

“I look at our marriage like ‘The Sixth Sense. You were dead the whole time.”

“I was married to Bruce for the first three ‘Die Hard’ movies, which makes sense because the last two sucked.”

“Bruce considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure. Bruce, don’t be so hard on yourself, you had much bigger failures. ‘Planet Hollywood,’ ‘Hudson Hawk’ … campaigning for Michael Dukakis, turning down Clooney’s role in ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ to focus on playing the harmonica.”

Oooooooooh this roast is going to be hot! I love the jokes and I love the intent of these events. Sure some harsh jabs are thrown, but it is a bonafide way to assure you have left your mark in show biz.

The Roast Of Bruce Willis airs on July 29th on Comedy Central. To get a glimpse of the giggles, take a look at the clip below!

 

Awww

AWWW: A Rescue Team Of 9 Was Needed To Rescue 1 Adorably Chubby Rat

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Over in Bensheim, Germany a rotund rodent got herself into a jam when she tried to squeeze through a hole of a manhole cover only to get stuck…and honestly, I can relate. When I was 8 years old I tried to squeeze my thunder-thighs-in-training into a children’s swing and it took my dad and three other grown men to get me out. I am the German fat-rat!

Volunteer firefighters were called when a young girl noticed the fat rat was stuck and no time was wasted to help the poor critter. Eight firefighters and at least one animal rescuer appeared on the scene to safely extract the chubby critter. Animal rescuer Michael Sehr told BBC “She had a lot of winter flab and was stuck fast at her hip. There was no going forward or back.” When asked why anyone would even want to save something so many are repulsed by Sehr said “Even animals that are hated by many deserve respect.”

Alls well that ends well! Hopefully no authorites will be needed to help me shimmy out of these skinny jeans I thought looked cute this morning…in the meantime, check out the entire rescue below!

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Elton John And Taron Egerton Performed A Fantastic Duet Of ‘Tiny Dancer’

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The dancer may be tiny but the talent on stage was massive! Taron Egerton and Elton John gave a fantastic performance of “Tiny Dancer” last night at the 27th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Party.

If you’ve been looking for a reason to toss on your bedazzled cape and brightly colored sunglasses then boy do I have good news for you. An “epic musical fantasy” about Elton John’s life, entitled Rocketman, is expected to hit theaters in May 2019. Taron Egerton, from Robin Hood fame, plays the musical legend and judging by his performance last night, we are all in for a treat. The audience of the charity event felt like a candle in the wind when Taron suggested an off-the-cuff performance of “Tiny Dancer.” There isn’t even a pun creative enough to embody what the audience must have felt when Elton John himself volunteered to accompany Taron on the piano!

In addition to a truly moving performance, the 27th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Party raised more than $6.3 million for an effort to end AIDS.

Click below to take a look at the magical performance from last night!

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VIRAL: There Is No Room For Love When This Dog Protects His Barney

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I think this dog missed the whole “I love you, you love me” message Barney was trying to teach all those years ago…

In this viral video posted to Twitter, an adorable pup channels his inner Cujo anytime his owner gets close to the Barney the Dinosaur stuffed animal. While the frenzied attacks are comical in themselves, this video should definitely be played with the sound up. While we never see more than the dog owner’s hand, we hear his high pitched screams of terror every time the dog take a lunge.

Click below to laugh along!

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