Movie Review: Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part I

Mike Finkelstein wants to sparkle in the sunlight. He also thinks that marrying a vampire probably isn’t the best idea…Here is his review of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I”

Mike Finkelstein wants to sparkle in the sunlight.  He also thinks that marrying a vampire probably isn’t the best idea…Here is his review of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I”

PLOT: Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) are finally getting married, yet during what was supposed to be the Honeymoon of their dreams, all hell (and demons, for that matter) breaks loose.  Bella falls pregnant with a vampire baby that is slowly killing her from the inside out, and it is up to Edward and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) to keep her safe and alive from all sides.

Check out the trailer:

MIKE’S REVIEW: I have to preface this review with the fact that I am not a TWILIGHT fan and have never seen any films nor read any books.  So when I was invited to witness the event that is BREAKING DAWN PART I, I did my research and walked though those theater doors with a well informed and open mind.

Turns out TWILIGHT was, by far, the best two hours I have spent in a movie theater this year.  No, not because it was a good movie, but because the movie was so ridiculously bad, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

First, let’s begin with the story and its underlying messages, which are completely insulting to anyone with half a brain.  Stephen King has a quotation, “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” 100% true.   And what’s even more hysterical is that Edward is the worst example for a boyfriend…ever.  Bella is okay with leaving her entire family and life to become the ‘undead’, makes excuses for her fiancé brutally murdering people (they must have deserved it), and begs for sex like it’s the Holy Grail even though Edward doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ her.  As you can guess, our supposed protagonist is a complete joke, void of any original thought.

But it isn’t over yet…despite the fact that Bella is pregnant with a ‘demon baby’ killing her from the inside, she will not give it up because it’s a ‘miracle’.  Add on to that Edward telling her the demon baby likes her voice and loves them both, and you have every reason why shows like “Sixteen and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” exist.  This is supposed to be a role model for teen girls?  Stephanie Meyer is basically telling them it’s okay to forget who you are and just find an (abusive) boy to latch onto and dedicate yourself completely to him.  It’s horrible.  I just pray that real teens aren’t stupid enough to drink blood from a Styrofoam cup…

Let’s move onto the acting.  Robert Pattinson is the only one of the three main actors I respect, and he does a decent job here, but Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner are ten steps behind.  Stewart, while good in THE RUNAWAYS and ADVENTURELAND, has absolutely no emotion when she speaks.  If she does, it seems completely offset from what is actually happening.  (“Aww!  She’s walking down the aisle and looks nauseous!)  As for Lautner, the kid’s ripped torso (shown yet again for no reason, but only in a single scene this time) doesn’t excuse the fact that he is completely overacting (“You’ll KILL her!!!”  RAWR!!!).  After a while, it’s like we’re watching a ridiculous soap opera or “Degrassi” episode, something that’s really sad when you think about all the great actors you have supporting you, including Anna Kendrick, Michael Sheen, and Billy Burke.  Add to all of the above some horrible werewolf special effects, a slow pace, and insanities that include delivering a baby with teeth and falling in love with a newborn, and you have BREAKING DAWN PART I.

With all that, there is one tiny upside.  From a movie lover’s point of view, I really can’t blame Bill Condon.  He is an excellent director, who has given us KINSEY, DREAMGIRLS, and CHICAGO, and here, yet again, is a beautifully shot film.  The source material is just absolutely tragic, and didn’t help the man for anything.  I don’t know why he did this film, and I’m not going to ask (payday…?).  I’ll just sigh, grin, and say that we should all move on.

TWILIGHT is absolutely insane.  After about five minutes of watching, I had to throw away any serous thought about it making logical sense, and spend the rest of the time laughing my ass off.  Why?  If I didn’t, I’d probably want to beat myself over the head with my armrest…  Yes, I could understand why teen girls are so hooked on it (choose your team wisely), and if you like the other three films, then you’ll like this one too.  For me, however, it was just a waste of time, and for Stephenie Meyer, a complete waste of a chance to tell young, impressionable teens something worthwhile.

GRADE: C-

Mike’s LIKES:

1) ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL IN ALL THE WRONG WAYS: I can’t even being to go into all the wrong details: demon baby, drinking blood from a Styrofoam cup, eating out (literally), imprinting, morals, and one really jealous ex.  And that’s not even scratching the surface.  I couldn’t stop laughing.

Mike’s DISLIKES:

1) WORST MESSAGE EVER FOR YOUNG GIRLS: I think this book being published was the equivalent of making a BATTLESHIP movie. “We know it’s crap, but it’s about mystical vampires, so maybe we could make a bit of a profit  before anyone realizes it…”

2) OVERACTING:  Oh, Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart…tisk tisk…

EXTRA FACTS:

1) Stephenie Meyer has a cameo role as a wedding guest. She can be seen as Bella walks down the aisle.

2) Robert Pattinson said he tried not to laugh multiple times during the birth scene.  (According to my theater, he wasn’t alone)

3) Exactly: http://www.cracked.com/article_19582_if-twilight-4-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html

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