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Movie Review: Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part II

Mike Finkelstein was recently treated to more stories about sparkling vampires. This time, however, a little girl was involved, and that caused a bunch of new problems. Damn kids…always starting sh*t…Here is his review of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II”

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Mike Finkelstein was recently treated to more stories about sparkling vampires.  This time, however, a little girl was involved, and that caused a bunch of new problems.  Damn kids…always starting sh*t…Here is his review of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II”

PLOT: Everything is right in the world of the Cullen clan: Bella (Kristen Stewart) is now fully sparkling and slowly discovering all the powers of being immortal (including constant sex), and Renesmee is growing into a beautiful young girl.  But when the Volturi hear a rumor that Edward (Rob Pattinson) and Bella’s new daughter is actually an immortal child (strictly forbidden in the vampire world), it is up to the new parents and all possible witnesses to convince Aro (Michael Sheen) of no wrong doing, before he takes out the entire tribe for good.

Check out the trailer:

MIKE’S REVIEW:  Ah, TWILIGHT…it’s the series that every guy loves to hate, and every girl loves to bring their hating boyfriend to see (we are such a weak gender).  I will admit that I have still only seen one TWILIGHT film and it was awful. (BREAKING DAWN PART I was by far the best time I have ever had in a movie theater for all the wrong reasons…read my review here!)  Going into PART II, I only expected more of the same.

For the first half of Edward and Bella Swan’s final entry together, we waste no time getting right back in gear with the crazy.  Let us list the ways, shall we?  Within minutes, Bella is on the prowl as a newborn vampire, trying to satisfy her thirst …Watch Bella run!  Watch Bella hunt!  Watch Bella be tempted by human blood, go after Bambi’s mom, and then chomp down on a tiger!  (And don’t forget that all of it is filmed like a bad 80s music video, complete with horrid special effects…).  The audience was laughing, and not at the parts that were trying to be funny…

The revolting messages to young girls were still going strong as well.   The sex scenes and subsequent references to how they have eternity to bang is just comical, especially when everyone might die in 24 hours, and seeing sparks fly as the sign for Bella finally having an orgasm (what, no volcano moment for Eddie?) is absurd.  Secondly, when Charlie Swan visits only to find his daughter (whom he last saw near death) surrounded by menacing men like she’s a brainwashed hostage, every paternal instinct in you wants to slap the mustache off him for being okay with it.  Something tells me if Stephenie Meyer had her way, every impressionable young tween would run away with a brooding serial killer, because that’s exactly what Edward seems to be (not my words…Rob Pattinson’s…)

And then, there’s the damn baby…the damn strange, creepily disturbing CGI baby that touches peoples’ face.  I know they wanted to showcase the emotion, but really?  On one hand, it’s impressive how far technology has come that you could even attempt such a feat.  On the other hand, between the other effects and this soul-sucker (it had to be made by the devil…it just had to have been!), it’s sad that in 2012, we still have a big budget epic whose SFX will be outdated by the time we see it close up on our high definition televisions.  And don’t forget about the absolutely hysterical battle between Bella and Jacob when Jacob admits he imprinted on Renesmee…just wrong on so many levels…

But then somewhere in the middle of all this crappiness and Taylor Lautner randomly stripping (really?), something happened…. I started to have fun.  I don’t know if they let him loose because it was the last film, or his constant interviews showing his hatred for the series rubbed off on me, but Rob Pattison’s vibe of not caring was just plain entertaining.  Mix that with the comic relief of Kellen Lutz, the sarcasm of Billy Burke, the cold-hearted viciousness of Michael Sheen, and some new, wonderfully sarcastic supporting actors like Rami Malek, Lee Pace and Erik Odom, and I really started to enjoy myself!

What really won me over, though, was the climactic final battle.  Don’t get me wrong…the bad CGI, the overacting, and ridiculousness is still there, but I did not expect anything like this to come out of TWILIGHT.  Bill Condon basically figured out a way to throw everything from the book out the window while still staying completely true to the story and the characters.  Whether you’re a die-hard fan or a TWI-newbie, there’s something to be appreciated about an audience having no control over your favorite characters’ fates, especially ones that you are so heavily invested in.  The scene basically made the movie and the series for me, and for that, I applaud Condon.

For men, the TWILIGHT saga is one that will forever live in infamy.  At no other point in the history of film has there been a series that has engrossed female culture so much, and caused so much pain to the male gender.  BREAKING DAWN PART II is a worthy addition to the madness, yes, but somehow, for just a split second, Bill Condon was able to take a franchise that took itself way too seriously and actually infuse some life.  And while the end definitely doesn’t justify the means (we really didn’t need to suffer through five films for this…), you have to give the guy credit for ending everything on a high note…or at least the highest note that could be possibly given to sparkling vampire love…because quite frankly, who would have even expected

GRADE: B-

Mike’s LIKES:

1) ROB PATTINSON/EDWARD CULLEN DOESN’T GIVE A S*IT: I don’t know if it’s because he made it so obvious in interviews that he doesn’t care, or because Bill Condon just gave him some more freedom, but seeing Edward Cullen be sarcastic and so chill made for the best parts in the film.

2) EPIC FINAL BATTLE: Everything in TWILIGHT has been leading up to this: a moment that isn’t even in any of the books.  To take an unfilmable ending and twist it in a way that left both fans and newcomers in the dark about their favorite characters and still stayed true to the book is incredible, and I applaud Bill Condon on his work.

3) MICHAEL SHEEN: The man is five levels above this saga, and yet still brought a menacing and ominous quality to Aro.  Keep chewing the scenery, my friend…

4) SUPPORTING CAST: With a mix of old classics, including Sheen, Kellen Lutz, and Billy Burke, as well as newcomers like Rami Malek, Lee Pace and Erik Odom, BREAKING DAWN PART II was covered in the support department.  The characters may be secondary to Edward, Jacob and Bella, but they made the film.

Mike’s DISLIKES:

1) RIDICULOUS SPECIAL EFFECTS: Bella taking down a tiger, an 80s style music video, wolf transformations, and a unsettling CGI baby. ‘Nuff said.

2) HORRIBLE MESSAGES TO YOUNG GIRLS: Again, I don’t know what Stephenie Meyer was aiming for when she wrote these novels, but the messages to young impressionable females are absolutely awful.  If you ever hear your daughter say that she’s looking for her “Edward”, lock her up in her room until she’s 18…

3) TAYLOR LAUTNER AND NAKEDNESS…REALLY?: Yeah, there was no need for this…maybe they were trying to mask the awful acting…

EXTRA FACTS:

1) Ten actresses portrayed the rapidly-growing Renesmee Cullen, as well as the really unsettling CGI-animated baby.

2) Sitting next to me in the theater was a gentleman who looked like he had just stepped out of a “Planet Fitness” commercial.  He was seeing the movie by himself.   Forget stereotypes…THAT’S a fan right there…

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The Pentagon Has Released Official UFO Videos Because 2020 Is The Absolute Worst

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Aren’t swarms of locusts supposed to be the next installment of this plague?!

Can we finally declare 2020 as the worst year ever? In January there were fears of a third World War. In February the coronavirus began its rapid spread. In March the world essentially shut down due to social distancing and quarantining. And now in April…with only two days left in the month…we have official government footage of unidentified flying objects. I’m sorry but Milton Bradley’s game of “Life” never prepared me for any of this!

The Pentagon has confirmed the authenticity of three videos that have been circulating the web but didn’t really answer what is visible in them. In the videos, now declassified by the Department of Defense, navy pilots capture “unidentified aerial phenomena” aka unidentified flying objects aka UFOs! Pentagon officials were sure to state that the videos do not show “any sensitive capabilities or systems,” meaning we probably won’t be seeing any little green men any time soon.

The first video dates back to November 2004 and the other two from January 2015. Of the Pentagon’s confirmation of authenticity, Pentagon spokesperson Sue Gough said the videos were released “in order to clear up any misconceptions by the public on whether or not the footage that has been circulating was real, or whether or not there is more to the videos.”

So great. We now know that these strange videos are real but what exactly are we looking at? Well, the Department of Defense says it has no concrete answer as to what might be floating around the skies and has classified the phenomena as “unidentified.” And…just like that I suddenly feel less defended.

Social media is having a field day with this revelation of course. The #AliensAreReal has been trending high on Twitter since the news broke. One user referenced Independence Day and said the aliens are “getting ready for July 4th.” Of the bad timing, another wrote “Et tu aliens?” And finally one user couldn’t help avoid sarcasm and wrote”Where’s the space force when you need it?”

Well 2020, you have worked your awful black magic once again. What’s next, cat videos get banned from the internet?! You’ve taken everything else from us!

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Priest Accidentally Forgets To Turn Off Filters Before Live Streaming Mass

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The internet is having a field day with the innocent mistake of biblical proportions.

With new social distancing guidelines, many churches have closed to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus. And while that doesn’t justify all the wine you’ve been chugging during your self quarantine, it does have many people practicing their faith from their homes. One Italian priest was just trying to recite a little prayer for his followers when he accidentally left a filter feature on during the broadcast! In the clip the priest is digitally adorned with a space helmet, workout gear, a fedora and sunglasses and more.

Social media went nuts for the video, which has now gone viral. One comment reads “He just doubled his holy power.” Another reads “Father, Son and Holy Influencer.” One commenter couldn’t resist a good pun and said the video is having a “Mass effect.”

Enjoy your daily blessing and take a look at the funny video below!

 

Priest in Italy live streams mass, activates filters by mistake from r/funny

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Danny DeVito Passionately Urges New Yorkers To Stay Home…And Twitter Agrees!

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For the love of Danny DeVito, stay home!

The world is in a dark place right now and I am not sure how much more bad news we can handle. That’s why when I saw Danny DeVito’s name trending on Twitter I froze. Our great nation could very well crumble if anything bad was to happen to such an icon right now. With extreme trepidation I clicked on the social media link and was relieved to see that good ol’ Danny boy is just strumming up hype because he is passionately urging New Yorkers to stay home.

Amid the coronavirus outbreak, Governor Andrew Cuomo has been driving New Yorkers to stay home and has taken every precaution short of shutting the state down completely to help prevent the virus from spreading. Because New Yorkers can be hard headed, it doesn’t hurt to have some famous friends reiterate your message. Big names like Lala Anthony, Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller have all made appearances on Cuomo’s social media pleading with New Yorker’s to heed the governors warning. Only one celebrity was able to make it to Twitter’s trending page however and that was none other than Danny DeVito. DeVito’s message is simple…stay home! In the two minute video, DeVito reminds fans that it’s not just up to the elderly to isolate themselves. “Young people can get it and they can transmit it to old people and the next thing you know – I’m out of there” says the actor. We must save him!

Twitter went into a frenzy with many users agreeing that we need to stay home for Danny. One user wrote “When Danny speaks, I listen.” Another passionately wrote “If you idiots kill Danny DeVito I SWEAR TO GOD.” One promoted DeVito from the icon status I previously awarded him and said “WE GOTTA PROTECT WORLD TREASURE DANNY DeVITO.” 

Take a look at the video below and for the love of the newly minted national treasure, stay home!

 

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